Geral Blanchard, LPC, is a psychotherapist who is university trained in psychology and anthropology. Formerly of Wyoming and currently residing in Iowa, Geral travels the world in search of ancient secrets that can augment the art and science of healing. From Western neuroscience to Amazonian shamanism, he has developed an understanding of how to combine old and new healing strategies to optimize recovery, whether from psychological or physical maladies.
Gaslighting
Geral T. Blanchard • January 13, 2022
Manipulative and slick talking individuals can leave us feeling crazy, and even acting crazy, especially if we must live or work with them on a daily basis.
Gaslighting is a term used for a communication style that is used by insecure individuals who attempt to develop and maintain tight control in their intimate relationships.
There is a gaslighter and a recipient, the gaslightee. The gaslightee is not to be confused with a victim, as much of their reactivity rests within their own awareness and skills.
The insidious slide into this type of manipulative relationship occurs when the gaslighter -- who is often male or even a parent -- slowly chips away at their partner’s identity and redefines one’s sense of self. They speak with great certainty as a way to deflect attention from themselves. Yet, behind their authoritative and often authoritarian righteousness, the gaslighter actually feels insecure and powerless. As a compensation for these feelings, the gaslighter feels a need to prove himself to be unassailably right. In fact, they have such a flawed sense of self that they can’t tolerate the slightest challenge to their way of seeing things. Their reality must become your reality; you must go along with their point of view or an emotional price will be paid. For backing, the gaslighter may align himself with political groups or churches and, by those associations, can feel above reproach.
The gaslightee often has a very strong need for approval and acceptance that gets exploited when they engage in this type of predictable relationship tango.
At first they were drawn to this seemingly strong figure because of an idealization process and the need for approval and, consequently, elevated the gaslighter to a bigger than life role.
To recognize if you are being gaslighted, look for some of the following features:
- You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
- You repeatedly ask yourself, maybe a dozen times a day, “Am I being too sensitive?”
- You are incessantly and nervously apologizing, even for your apologizing.
- You always wonder if you’re good enough, as a friend, parent, employee, lover, etc.
- You frequently make excuses for the gaslighter, excusing his rudeness and even public mockery.
- You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
- Before your partner comes home you go over a checklist in your head anticipating anything you may have done wrong that day which might disappoint or anger him.
- You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life (as described by him), you aren’t happier.
- You lose track of who you are, your true self.
- You are constantly defending yourself.
- You become lonely, anxious, and depressed.
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So what do you do about a situation like this?
The first thing is to become aware of your own role in keeping the tango alive. Recall the AA Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Focus less attention on keeping the gaslighter happy and more on self-care, an honest appraisal of your true self, and your participation in the verbal dance.
Second, give up! Yes, give up on certain things. Give up on changing him because he is in a stuck spot. Give up on becoming a person you are not; reclaim lost parts of you. Give up on being right and ask yourself if that tendency is a defense against personal fears? Give up on winning arguments as you can’t possibly win. Give up apologizing, especially when you try so hard. Give up on explaining your feelings in an attempt to be understood; he doesn’t understand his own feelings so why would he understand yours. Give up on winning his approval; you can’t get it from a person who doesn’t approve of himself; it will only be token and shallow.
Third, watch out for his secret weapons: reminding you of your worst self-appraisals or past mistakes, threatening you with abandonment for a better partner/daughter/employee, telling you to examine all of your other supposedly flawed relationships, and turning your ideals against you (i.e., “Aren’t families to be all about love. I thought you once said partners should always be supportive and compromising” etc.).
Fourth, watch out for enmeshment -- that urge to merge with him/her. Individuation is the answer, separating yourself from the gaslighter’s smothering and entangling ego blob. Detach and distance yourself, emotionally, physically, or both.
Fifth, watch out for the periodic and superficial apologies. Don’t confuse the gaslighter’s momentary sorrow, anger, or frustration with genuine regret. And then watch out for the seductive flowers, gifts, or promises that follow but are only designed to make you forget what preceded them.
Sixth, when the problem is primarily with your family, especially parents, refuse to engage in shaming or blaming dialogues. Resist the tendency to be seen as a victim or as being right; these are your biggest hooks. Instead focus on how you feel when you are near them.
Seventh, assertively set boundaries. Develop the discipline to set limits. Draw the line when it comes to maltreatment. Don’t bother judging his conduct, simply say “That’s enough for now, it hurts too much,” and calmly walk away and above all, don’t get physical and confuse aggression with assertion. You do not need to stick around for mistreatment. Opt out of arguments and fights as they only serve as practice sessions for their argumentative skills.
Eighth, keep telling yourself, “Hurt people, hurt people.” This means trying on compassion without selling out your soul. Don’t compromise your best values, your essence.
Ninth, stop berating yourself with negative commentary. After all, haven’t you received enough criticism from your persecutor? Don’t tag team with the gaslighter and pile on (capitulate) by agreeing with unsubstantiated putdowns.
Tenth, begin a soul retrieval process with a supportive community or team. Don’t isolate. Drawing strength and discernment from trusted friends is the way of indigenous societies.
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Additional Reading:
The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern
Other Topics
Basics of MDMA
Rituals and Ceremony
Brain and MDMA
Trauma
Heart
Energy Movement
Quantum Physics
Native Cosmologies
Nature
Spirituality/Enlightenment
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